


i’m sorry (for myself) but i love you

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: College!AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-01 23:39:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6541447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongdae tells himself that it’s okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i’m sorry (for myself) but i love you

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Shower Afterglow](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6201790) by [91daesmods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/91daesmods/pseuds/91daesmods). 



> i’m really sorry that this seems really lackluster, but i do hope that you like it, anyways.

Jongdae wonders what he’d done in his past life to be so miserable a person.

 

He knows. It’s not like he doesn’t. He knows that Yixing and Junmyeon have met outside of their shower sessions, as he’s prone to calling them. He knows that they know who each other are, what they look like, their interests. He knows that they’ve already been friends for some time now, since Jongdae had refused to come out of the shower when they’d offered.

 

Perhaps, after all of that, it had been a mistake not to do so.

 

Because, as Jongdae walks into the shower, ready to greet Junmyeon and Yixing like he always has, they’re in adjacent cubicles, when Jongdae normally took the one in the center. They’re in adjacent cubicles and they’re discussing their plans for their date tomorrow.

 

Their _date_.

 

Jongdae knew – had known – for quite some time, that he was attracted to both Junmyeon and Yixing. Perhaps not sexually, given that he’d never seen the both of them before, but he was pretty sure that from all their conversations in the shower, as strange as it might sound, that somewhere along the way, Jongdae had fallen for them.

 

Had it been a mistake to do so? Was it his fault for being too invested in people that he’d never met, never seen?

 

Whether or not it was, Jongdae had no one to blame but himself for his current situation. Instead of greeting the two of them, as he would on any other day had he not walked in on them planning for a date – their date! - Jongdae walked towards another cubicle on the other side of the shower, shut himself in, and started his shower routine.

 

He tells himself, resolutely, that it was just water trailing down his face, and not tears of regret.

 

* * *

 

Baekhyun tells him that he’s an idiot. Jongdae shrugs, and doesn’t reply. He doesn’t need his best friend to tell him that he’s an idiot for getting in so deep; He already knows that he’s an idiot. A part of him knows that Baekhyun means well, and this is usually how the slightly older boy reacts to things, but he can’t help but get a little hurt.

 

He’s even more of an idiot than he thought.

 

Other than drowning himself in schoolwork, Jongdae throws himself into his job. His part time gig at a coffee shop owned by his cousin helped to pay for the ridiculous amounts of food that he and Baekhyun liked to inhale. It wasn’t a lot, granted – the pay, not the food – but it was pretty decent. It wasn’t as though they went out to eat all that often.

 

And even then, maybe choosing to help out his cousin had been a wrong idea, too. He’d been manning the counter when a couple had come up to him. He hadn’t thought much about it, until they’d ordered a green tea latte and a caramel macchiato, and he’d asked for their names.

 

“Junmyeon,” The shorter one had said, and Jongdae had frozen at the exact moment the taller one said, “Yixing.”

 

There was nothing that Jongdae could do, really, other than move mechanically, smile fakely, and take their order. He writes their names down on their cups before passing them to Minseok, said cousin and owner of the establishment. Minseok shoots him a frown, but Jongdae quickly waves him off, swiping Junmyeon’s card down the card reader and gesturing for the other to enter his pin.

 

“Jongdae?”

 

Jongdae stiffens and looks up. Junmyeon had finished entering his pin, and the two of them were looking at him strangely. There was a moment where Jongdae wonders how they knew it was him, then he realizes – feeling even more like an idiot – that he was wearing a nametag.

 

“Hello,” He greets, as though they were mere strangers. And if you thought about it, they really were. Jongdae had never met the other two, had never spoken to them outside the shower cubicles, which was pretty ridiculous if you considered how attached Jongdae was to the two of them.

 

He wants them to be his. He wants to be _theirs_.

 

Jongdae isn’t naive enough to think that it was love, not yet, no, but he knows potential when he feels it. He knows that he could, had a very high chance of, in fact, falling in love with Junmyeon and Yixing. Not just one, but both, at the same time.

 

“Jongdae, we-”

 

“Green tea latte and caramel macchiato for Junmyeon and Yixing!”

 

Jongdae sends a silent word of thanks over to Minseok, who had called out the couple’s orders. He hands Junmyeon’s card and receipt back to the man before turning to the customer next in line, effectively halting their would-be conversation. It wasn’t one that Jongdae was looking forward to having.

 

If he could help it, it’d be one he wouldn’t have at all.

 

He doesn’t want to be friends with them, because he knows that not everyone is polyamorous. Not everyone has the ability or capacity to love more than one person. Jongdae knows very well that he’s a special case, and he doesn’t really want to become friends with Junmyeon and Yixing, know them inside and out, and then realize that he can’t have them, because they don’t feel the same way he does.

 

He’d only be setting himself up for heartbreak, if he became their friend, spent time with that. Jongdae might be an idiot – an idiot big enough to be attracted to more than one person while knowing that the chances of those feelings being returned were close to none – but he isn’t so much of an idiot that he would willingly walk into a friendship that he knows could hurt him more than it would benefit him.

 

Baekhyun would be proud.

 

So Jongdae tells himself, that, no. He won’t meet Yixing and Junmyeon outside of the showers, now that he knows what they look like. It’ll make avoiding them a lot easier, too. He won’t even meet them inside of the showers, because those conversations had been what had started the attraction, and he doesn’t know whether those no longer faceless conversations could have him fall in love with them. It’s something he doesn’t want to risk.

 

Jongdae tells himself no. He tells himself that he’ll stick to being friends with Baekhyun, with Chanyeol and with Kyungsoo. He tells himself that it’s enough that he’s happy, even if he’s not the happiest that he could be. He tells himself that it’s okay, even if he constantly sees the way his other three friends work in a polygamous relationship. He tells himself, _Jongdae-ya, you’re okay. You’ll be okay._

 

He tells himself that it’s okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments either here or on [LJ](http://91daes.livejournal.com/12490.html%20) to support the author!


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